Is comparison truly the thief of joy?
Is she a masked bandit who breaks into your mind, stealing away the present moment and leaving behind a trail of happier alternatives? Or is she a tool for improvement, reminding you of the potential of the human spirit if only you took the same actions as those already leading the lives you want?
The answer: It depends.
On who you choose to compare yourself to. Whether you want their highlight reel or their entire life. And if you’re willing to actually integrate their advice into your everyday.
Pick the wrong role model and you’ll find yourself absorbing both their positive and negative behaviours, wasting time emulating a life that isn’t aligned to your values and losing your identity in the process.
Choose the right one and you’ll find a well of inspiration and guidance, enabling you to navigate challenging times, leveraging their insight, motivation, and perspective to help you live a fulfilling life.
But knowing which is which isn’t easy.
Here’s how you discover the difference…
Identify Your Values
Find out who you are first.
Identify when you felt your strongest positive emotions - happiness, pride and fulfilment by answering the following:
What were you doing when in that moment?
Who were you with when you felt this way?
How did the experience give you meaning?
What other factors contributed to the emotion?
Then, using a list of core values (like this one) write down the words that most resonate with you and your answers. Order them by priority. Then group together similar values into your own words. Even use post-it notes to keep things nice and fluid. Eventually you’ll end up with something like this…
Knowing your values will enable to you choose role models who embody the type of person you want to be. Which will keep you from losing yourself in the process of inspiration, anchoring you to who you are even when you look to follow the actions of others.
Look Within Your Community
Not all heroes wear capes.
And your role models don’t need to either. They don’t have to be a celebrity or a public figure. Look instead at the family members, teachers, coaches or mentors who are already close to you. Consider the people in your community who embody the qualities you admire and respect. They may be people you know personally, or people you have only heard about through others. Seek out opportunities to learn from them.
But, if you are set on finding a role model outside of your immediate community, take some time to research potential candidates. Read books, articles, or interviews about people who inspire you. Look for individuals who have achieved success in areas that interest you, or who have overcome obstacles or challenges that you can relate to. Pay attention to the qualities and characteristics that these people exhibit, and consider how they align with your own values and aspirations.
Choose Multiple People
You don’t need just ONE role model.
You can have MANY. They can play varying roles in your life, each inspiring different interests and ambitions you have. You could have one role model who inspires you professionally, another who inspires you creatively, and another who inspires you personally. Not only will this diversification offer you a more well-rounded perspective, it also enables you to pick & choose from each person depending on what relates most to you.
While having multiple role models can enable you to incorporate aspects of many individuals that inspire you, beware the trade-offs that are inevitable when one piece of advice contradicts the other. Perhaps two ambitions are mutually exclusive, requiring conflicting ways of spending your time. Or the values of one role model thrive only within their existing environment, not in all circumstances. To navigate these inevitable distinctions either choose only one role model per area of your life or accept that you will be creating an entirely new self from the amalgamation of those who inspire you.
Whichever path you choose, once you have identified potential role models, look for opportunities to learn from them. Attend their talks, read their books, or watch their interviews. If possible, try to connect with them directly, either through social media or by attending their events. If you have a mentor or coach who you admire, ask them to help guide you and provide feedback on your goals and aspirations.
Understand Their Limitations
Your role models are human beings too.
No one is perfect. And while it's important to seek out individuals who exhibit qualities and characteristics that you admire, it's also important to be realistic about their flaws and limitations. Recognize that your role model may not have all the answers, and that they may make mistakes or have shortcomings, just like everyone else. And remember the limitations of their expertise, remaining cautious of an astrophysicist advising on politics or a politician advising on astrophysics.
Once you have identified a role model, it's natural to want to emulate their behaviour and characteristics. But, it's important to remember that you are your own person, with your own unique strengths and weaknesses. And instead of trying to be an exact copy of your role model, focus on emulating the qualities and characteristics that resonate with you, while staying true to your own values and aspirations.
Envy them only if you would trade your entire life, past present and future, for theirs. Acknowledge that you can’t cherry pick the highlight reel. That behind every success story is a lifetime of sacrifice, doubt and sh*t days. So obsess over the 99% of time they’ve spent honing their craft, instead of the 1% of time they’ve spent enjoying the fruits of their hard work. It’ll forever tie you back to inspiration - the role that the role model should have in your life.
Conclusion
Change is inevitable.
The Spiderman logo that was plastered over your school backpack probably won’t cut it anymore when you turn 24. So, remember that as you change and evolve so should your role models. Get into the habit of regular self-reflection to ensure that those you choose to inspire you are still aligned with your values and aspirations. For raising someone onto the pedestal of inspiration should not be taken lightly. Their influence will shape your goals, aspirations and actions more than you can ever know.
So, always ensure you’re choosing the right role models for you. Lest you be led down a path that isn’t yours.