Us humans are the most social of animals.
We’ve evolved to fit in. From the loneliness we feel from too much time by ourselves to the uniquely homosapien ability to blush, social ostracization is one of the most painful experiences we will face. For without others around us who “get it”, every challenge and doubt ahead of us will grow exponentially in both size & difficulty.
To be happy we need to be connected to other humans.
We need their laughter at our painfully unfunny jokes, their attention for our seemingly impossible problems and their reminder that in the end everything will be okay. They calm our anxieties, push us to be our best selves and challenge us to think differently. It’s what friends are for.
But, like all things in life our friendships are double-edged.
Without realising it we conform to the norms of those we spend time with, sacrificing parts of our identity for that sweet feeling of conformity. Our little quirks that make up who we are are shamed out of us. Our role models who inspire us are replaced by those around us. And our childhood dreams are morphed into fantasies that are anything but.
This is social conditioning in action.
And it can be a curse that blinds you to who you are. Or a cure that reveals the best version of yourself. It all depends on how you use it.
So, here’s how to leverage conscious conformity…
Choose The Right Group
Social conformity is an inevitability.
No matter how much you resist the actions, behaviours and norms of those who surround you their personalities will seep into your everyday. You’ll parrot their sayings. Chant their tunes. And obsess over their interests.
Meaning it’s not about avoiding everyone. Instead it’s about being selective with those you decide to your spend time with. Aiming to find individuals who reinforce the parts of your personality you’d like to exhibit more often.
To choose the right group, ask yourself…
Which interests would I like to learn more about?
How do I want to spend time with my friends?
Which values are important to me?
Then use your interests to search for existing groups of people from whom you can learn. Want to become a better public speaker? Join a group of public speakers. Or a better triathlete? Join a triathlon club. Joining a bunch of strangers will be daunting at first. But, if you do the hard part of going along once and put the effort in to strike up a few conversations you’ll soon find the whole getting to know new people thing is a lot easier than it seems.
If you’re unsure where to start explore meetups, sports clubs or volunteering organisations.
Assuming you vibe with the group you join, look for the sub groups of individuals who also share the same values as you. Once you find them, keep spending time together, organising meet-ups outside the group and planning trips away. Watch as within a year they turn from strangers to housemates.
That was my experience with finding fellow triathletes. After signing up for an Ironman in September 2021 for the following year I knew I needed to learn everything I could about the sport. So, I googled local triathlon clubs, found Ful-on-Tri, turned up to a taster session and instantly vibed with everyone there. Each week I rocked up to 2-3 training sessions, attended all the socials and even went on a training camp to Mallorca with them. After about 6 months some of us similar minded younger athletes had formed a little sub group who’d train together mid-week. We became closer and closer friends, eventually booking a holiday away together in October 2022. Not only did this strengthen our friendships, but it also turned myself and Dan into housemates from the new year. A pretty cool friendship journey indeed.
Diversify Your Perspectives
One group of friends won’t be your everything.
Nor should you expect them to be. Some will be better at the conversations that matter. Others at the actions that interest. So, don’t expect perfect answers to every area of life’s unending questions from the same people.
Diversity in perspective is key.
Seek out different groups of people with whom you can express your many interests. Sometimes there’ll be overlap. But, don’t expect it. Instead go through the process from above in each area of your life until you are surrounded by friends from all walks of life that bring out every dimension of your personality.
Not only is this fun. It’s also your best defence against losing your unique, one-in-eight-billion identity. Having multiple friendship groups ensures that you resist the inevitable pull of conformity, becoming a compilation rather than copy of those you decide to spend time with.
Yes you’ll see some people more often than others.
But, that’s okay. Because not everyone needs to be in your life everyday to make an impact. Just ensure that you’re continuing to put in the effort at least every 6 months, picking up where you left off last time and spending the time getting to know the changing them.
Let Go of Fixing Old Friends
You change. That’s pretty darn normal.
And some people come into your life for a season. Others for a year. Few for a lifetime. So, don’t expect everyone to be there forever. They won’t be. Often it happens naturally as you both put less effort in. Other times you’ll have to be more intentional, severing the ties with those you’ve outgrown.
Especially when they don’t meet the basic friendship requirements:
They find genuine happiness in your success.
They inspire you to become a better version of yourself.
They are available to you in your most difficult moments.
If those you spend time with aren’t hitting the bare minimum, it’s time to move on. How? The short answer: Distance yourself from them. But, that’s easier said than done. So, here’s the long answer too:
Communicate your needs - explain why the current situation isn’t working, what you need from them and how you can get there.
Create physical distance - limit the amount of time you spend with them. Turn down event invites that you don’t want to attend.
Focus on other friendships - replace the good times you had with one group with new memories with another.
Make time for you - get comfortable doing things alone again. Practice self-care and rediscover new & old interests of yours.
Life is too short to invest your time into those who drain your energy. So, let them go. Focus on those who fill you with inspiration, education and empathy instead. They’re the ones worth keeping around. For they’ll bring out the best in who you are every time you interact with them.
In Conclusion
Friendships are like planets orbiting a solar system. Some we see the familiar faces of frequently as they zip around our lives. Others we interact with only every now and again, but when we do it’s like they never left. All of them make up who we are, bringing new dimensions to our personality.
But, in the realm of social conformity it’s the frequency that matters.
So, worry more about who you live with, who you share your hobbies with and who you see every week over those you catch up with every now and again. Think carefully about the planets like Mercury which orbit every 88 days over those like Neptune that take 165 Earth years to complete one full circuit. Because it’s the repeated exposure to the thinking, habits and ambitions of those we see frequently that become our own. Which means it’s vital that they are aligned to who we are and who we want to become.