Grief is a vice that holds your emotions tighter than a 3 year old hugging their mum after their first day at nursery.
For the desire to recover our rose-tinted experiences of the past takes us on a rollercoaster ride that forces us to confront new depths of our character we never realised existed.
And the stronger we’d given ourselves unto love, the more whiplash every loop and turn inflicts upon us. From the heights of newfound freedom to the depths of missing the little rays of sunshine they brought to our every day.
This one-way ticket feels like it has no end. That it will continue on forever. But, like all things in life, eventually it will pass. For beyond the mists of despair there stands a place from which you can look back with acceptance.
Getting there is a journey. But, one that you are not alone on.
So, strap yourself in for the ride of a lifetime.
Because mastering grief is an experience that will take you to the very limits of your impulses, unravelling even the most stoic of individuals into a bundle of sadness, desire and blame.
To get started we need to give grief a definition.
Here’s the one we’ll be using: “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.”
And this change can be the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the termination of a job or even the loss of function from illness or injury.
With each one we go through 7 stages:
Shock & Denial - You refuse to accept what has happened.
Pain & Guilt - You feel guilty for everything you could have done.
Anger & Bargaining - You lash out or try to give it one more chance.
Depression - You process the loss in isolation.
Upward Turn - Your emotions relax and you find a calm.
Reconstruction - You reflect on what there is to be learnt.
Acceptance - You gradually accept the new way of life.
The stages are not be raced through in search of “getting over” your grief.
They are instead a map to help guide you through your emotions, be it whether you experience each stage in order or even at all.
Each of us will experience grief in our own unique way. And although it will feel like a lonely journey that no-one else can truly understand, know that you are not alone in your emotions. Others have felt like this before.
Because it’s not your grief or my grief, it’s our grief.
So, here’s everything I’ve learnt about grief as a guy currently experiencing the pain of a break-up and the heart-break that comes with it.
#1: Process the Emotions 🔍
“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love” - E.A. Bucchianeri
The emotions will be intense. Have no doubt.
But, as they ebb and flow through your every day, with enough patience and persistence, you will find the willpower to process them.
And as you do, things will become more manageable.
The ride won’t be so bumpy, the drops no longer so scary and the turns no longer so unpredictable.
It will get easier.
But, only if you confront your emotions.
Here’s how…
1) Balance Indulgence with Avoidance
Grief will overwhelm us with emotion.
And each time it does, you’ll be tempted to take one of two paths:
Indulgence - wallowing in every aspect of the emotions.
Avoidance - doing everything you can to avoid the feelings.
But, neither will take you closer to processing the change.
The former will lock your mind in this one part of your life at the sacrifice of everything else, while the latter will bury your unresolved sadness until it uncontrollably seeps through into your day-to-day.
Managing grief effectively means striking a balance where you sit with your feelings long enough for them to be processed, but short enough for you to not be consumed by them.
2) Reflect by Yourself
To reflect you need to find solitude.
For it’s only when you’re alone with your thoughts and without distraction that you will find clarity in how you feel.
So, take the time to hear yourself think by:
Listening to a grief meditation (like this one from Calm).
Journaling all your racing thoughts onto pen and paper.
Voice-noting yourself as you go for a long solo walk.
Each one will pour the emotions out of your brain and into a form you can more easily recognise - that being tears, sounds and words.
It’s from there that you will discover the stage of grief you’re in today.
3) Share with Others
Moving forward requires perspective.
It asks you to realise that the emotions of today are just one small step on the beautiful journey that we call life.
Which is something you can reach on your own.
But, is a hell of a lot easier with friends and family.
So, reach out to those you haven’t spoken to in months, reconnect with loved ones and let them lend an ear to hear how you feel today.
For now is not the time to be a lone wolf.
It’s the time to be with your pack.
#2: Learn to Move On 🎈
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny” - Steve Maraboli
Once you’ve decided to move forward, embrace it.
For it is only by closing one door completely that you can find the strength to open another. Because doors left half ajar with possibility will let the draft of “what ifs” seep into every other decision you make.
To overcome the grief you need a clean cut. Only then will you be able to step forward into your life.
So, here’s how you close one door to open another…
1) Give Up on Hope
Accept that they’re not coming back.
Or else hope will drag you face first through the meat grinder of emotions until you declare that the pain is unbearable.
For the belief that one day things will go back to how they were will hold you within grief for eternity, preventing you from ever truly moving on.
To accept your new reality you need to find a way to enjoy what it means to live in your everyday. Whether it be finding a new community, throwing yourself into new hobbies or picking up a new routine.
And aim to live not in hope for an unpredictable future, but for enjoyment of the only thing you can guarantee, the present moment.
2) Go Cold Turkey
Grief is like the withdrawal from an addiction.
The familiar pattern of behaviour that we became so used to needs to be stripped from our lives if we ever want to move on.
But, like with any habit, the body will crave the endless reward of dopamine and serotonin that used to flood our brains after every experience.
To de-couple yourself from the cycle of habit take a lesson from the drug and alcohol recovery programmes that ask you to go cold turkey by not engaging in the behaviour at all for at least 60 days.
Giving you enough time to re-wire your brain so that your cravings for the memories that scar the inside of your skull are at the least manageable.
3) Fill the Hole Inside
Whatever reward the behaviour gave you can be replaced.
Perhaps not as one all-consuming complete package. But, at least as several distinct parts that can combine together for the same effect.
So, when you feel ready, seek out other people, places and experiences that can fill the void left by the person or activity you loved.
It will take an impossibly long time to get there.
But, with enough determination you will.
#3: Integrate the Experience 🎯
“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime” - Mineko Iwasaki
Once the emotions of grief begin to subside you can integrate both the previous behaviour and the recovery process into who you are.
Not with the aim of burying it beneath the weight of fear and loss.
But instead with the intention of accepting the experience, learning from it and reflecting on it with a smile that no longer hurts you.
Here’s how you integrate the grief into your new life…
1) Overcome any Trauma
Every human relationship is complicated.
With repressed thoughts, unsaid disagreements and paradoxical feelings, there’s a lot that we hide from those we love.
All with good intentions we convince ourselves.
But, like a ticking time bomb, these unexpressed aspects of our humanity bubble beneath our calm exterior, resurfacing at the worst of moments.
To defuse these thoughts we need to have difficult conversations using frameworks like this one:
I’ve been pretending that…
When in fact…
The impact of that inauthentic way of being and acting is…
The whole time I’ve been being and acting this way, what’s been missing is any sense of…
Standing there, the possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of…
Ideally with the very individuals we’ve not allowed ourselves to fully let go from our lives and are still holding onto meaning and hope with.
Whether it be with friends, family, exes or ourselves.
2) Remember them Fondly
With enough space you will find the courage to look back on your previous behaviour with a lens untainted by grief.
And it’s in those moments that you decide how you want to describe the past. You can choose to hold onto hate for a betrayal, sadness for a disappointment or hope for a impossible future.
Or you can strip the memory of meaning, accept what has happened and learn to remember the experience fondly.
It’s only by doing the later that you’ll find the peace you’re looking for.
3) Discover a New Normal
Time stops for no-one.
It presses on harder and faster than before, engulfing you in the endless possibilities and complexities of life.
And as it marches forward, it requires you to find a new normal beneath the chaos of change that won’t be easy.
In fact it’ll be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
But, once that day arrives and you take a moment to reflect, you’ll realise just how far you’ve come.
And that will be the day that you finally find your new normal.
Stay with it. It gets easier.
The Summary
Let’s recap: To master grief you need to process the emotions, learn to move on and integrate the experience.
There’s you 5 minutes, now take action:
📚 Recommended Book: Man’s Search for Meaning - Frankl writes on how he endured the horrors of the Nazi death camps and found meaning in his life to bare the grief of change every single day.
🎤 Recommended Talk: Moving Forward with Grief - McInerny manages to talk on stage after losing a baby, husband and father in the space of 2 months. All while cracking jokes and reflecting in an informative way.
💎 Recommended Resource: Grief Meditations - Dr. Cacciatore helps you create the space to tune into your emotions. Especially useful if you find yourself on the avoidance side of the spectrum.