Love is a drug like no other.
It gives us the highest highs that intoxicate us like nothing else matters in the world. And it gives us the lowest lows that spiral our minds into loops of inadequacy, trapping us in our own cycle of thoughts.
This rollercoaster of emotions is addictive. It constantly pulls us back in search of the next big hit, sacrificing the boring routine of life for one more spin of the elusive wheel of feelings.
“Because, maybe next time it’ll be different?” Right?
Like with any narcotic, overdosing is dangerous.
Mastering love means detoxing from the chase of emotions. Aiming not for love itself, but using it as a means of creating relationships with those that matter in your life instead.
To do this, you need to understand the 4 types of love:
Eros - erotic, passionate love.
Philia - love of friends and equals.
Storge - love of parents for children.
Agape - unconditional love for mankind.
Eros knocks you head over heels on a first date, philia brings the familiarity of a great friendship, storge provides for your children without a second thought and agape loves a stranger for simply being human.
In romantic relationships, it’s the first two that matter. Philia keeps you loving them, while eros keeps you in love them.
For this guide, we’ll be focusing on these two and their power in creating healthy, mature relationships.
So, here’s everything I’ve learnt about love.
#1: Bust The Five Myths 🔎
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages” - Friedrich Nietzche
Love means something different to every single one of us.
We all have unique needs that have to be met for us to be in a happy relationship with another human being. That’s totally cool.
But, along the way we’ve also been taught some bullsh*t.
From the fairy tales to the horror stories, catchy myths have ended up in the language of love that are simply not useful at all.
They mask problems in our lives by placing the ultimate prize of love on an unachievable pedestal that we can only aspire to.
Leading to an unending search for “the one” to change everything.
I’m sorry to break it to you, but that person doesn’t exist.
Myth 1: “You Complete Me”
There is no perfect other half waiting for you in the world.
Because, like the rest of us, you’re inexcusably unique with a lifetime of experiences that no other human being can fully understand.
You’re not a semi circle who’s lost without their other half. You’re an whole individual looking for someone(s) who can amplify your experience of the beautiful thing we call life.
So, eliminate any notion of another person existing to change your life forever so you can become the person you were meant to be.
You can be just as happy by yourself.
The other person is an optional extra.
Get it right and it’s not 0.5 + 0.5 = 1
It’s 1 + 1 = 3 instead.
Myth 2: “True Love is Unconditional”
Yes, love someone for their strengths, their weaknesses and everything in between for that is truly seeing the person as a whole.
But, don’t accept being treated as anything less than you deserve.
Tell your partner exactly which of their actions, words or habits hurt you and communicate the reason why.
Because you can love them for their “flaws”…. As long as those flaws don’t cause you pain.
Myth 3: “You Must Fulfil My List”
Blonde hair. Blue Eyes. Sporty. Great at Cooking. Laughs at my jokes. Wants to travel the world. Wealthy. Confident. Not cocky. Likes dogs, not cats. Reads poetry. Rides horses. Is an astronaut. Wants to explore Mars.
Stop. These lists are ridiculous. They’re never-ending. Added to each time we discover a new ick we find intolerable.
Your partner will never be everything you need from your relationships. They are an imperfect person with which you’ll be grappling with a number of issues for a long time. That’s perfectly normal.
Friends can fill the missing gaps between.
Instead of creating a list that never ends, try this question instead to determine your combability: “Do I think they’re awesome?”
Myth 4: “If You Loved Me, You’d Know”
Your partner isn’t psychic.
They can’t look at you and know every single one of your wants, needs and desires by hearing the movement of your brain.
For they are like a radio which needs to be tuned.
Teach them exactly how you feel by communicating with them. In time it won’t need words, just a glance that reminds them of the memory.
But, at least give them the opportunity to learn what it sounds like.
If you want something, talk about it. If you’re upset, talk about it. If there’s something that needs to stop, talk about it. How else will they know?
Myth 5: “Love is Staying Together until the End”
It isn’t always one relationship for the rest of your life.
A single monogamous partnership with one other person through thick and thin might sound great on paper, but the reality can be very different.
As two separate complete people, you will inevitably grow in different ways that bring you either closer together or further apart. And that’s life.
Choosing to stay and work things out or to leave and figure it out on your own are both viable alternatives. One is not better than the other.
Because, regardless of the time you have together, it’s not the length of the relationship that matters, it’s your happiness within it.
#2: Bring Your Full Self 🎭
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind” - William Shakespeare
To connect with anyone in this world you need to bring you full, unfiltered self into your relationship with them.
This means investing the time into learning who you are, communicating your thoughts regardless of their contents and trusting without conditions.
Without this you’ll never truly connect to those you spend time with.
And you’ll end up blaming it on compatibility.
Here’s how you take responsibility for creating a healthy relationship:
1) Understand Your Love Language
Love is about giving another person what they need. Even if it comes at your own expense.
And there’s no better place to start than learning how you & your partner express the feeling of love to one another.
Discover which of the 5 languages is your go-to:
Words of Affirmation - kind words of encouragement.
Quality Time - spending undistracted time together.
Physical Touch - getting physically close to your partner.
Acts of Service - doing the little things for another person.
Receiving Gifts - treasuring the time & effort of gift-giving.
Or just do the test and find out here.
The languages are a tool for understanding how to better communicate. They won’t define your compatibility or exist as a tally for your next argument.
But, they will give you one more piece of understanding of your partner.
2) Honesty Above Anything Else
Being vulnerable with another person can be terrifying.
“What if they share our darkest secrets?” “What if they judge us?” “What if they no longer love us after hearing what we’ve done?”
But, what if they never actually get to know the real you? And end up in love with a façade that you struggle to hold up each day. That’s 10x worse.
So, here’s some quick tips to entice honesty:
Get in the habit of asking “What are you thinking about?”
Don’t try to predict how the other person will react.
Understand that connection comes from openness.
Realise that if it scares you, it’s worth talking about.
Share small first. Then build up to the bigger things.
Say difficult things before it’s too late.
Or they’ll fester until you can’t take it any longer.
3) Trust Without Conditions
Your partner does not need to “earn your trust”.
Give it to them until they prove you wrong. Because, they are not your ex or some psychopath who could betray you at any time.
They are the person you’ve decided to get closer to in your life.
If you’re doing these things:
Tracking them incessantly on Find My Friends.
Checking their phone when they’re not in the room.
Getting anxious when they head out with their mates.
Stopping them from spending time with the opposite sex.
And you have no evidence to doubt them.
Then you’re the one with trust issues. You’ll need to work through your insecurities by resolving conflict from your past relationships.
If that sounds like you, it’s probably worth checking in to therapy.
I’ve been there and can 100% recommend.
#3: Actually Be With Them 💎
“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new” - Ursula K. Le Guin
A relationship is a choice you make every day.
Sometimes it’s easy. Other times it’s difficult. But, every single day you get up you make a decision on whether or not you want to put the effort in.
To give yourself the best opportunity of screaming “Yes” in response you’ll need to create great experiences as often as you can to remind both of you why you’re deciding to spend your very finite time together.
This doesn’t mean splurging countless amounts on holidays away together. Or pressuring yourself to go all-in at every moment.
Instead, it means spending quality time with your partner.
In whichever form best suits you both.
Here’s a few ideas to try:
1) Set-up Fortnightly Date Nights
Don’t wait for Valentines Day to get the candles out.
Build quality time into your routine in a way that requires consistent effort, but doesn’t become too much of a drag. From experience, fortnightly is a great starting place.
To get you started here are my top 5 date nights from the last year in London:
Getting Unplugged in a detox cabin south of London.
Attending an Interactive Theatre called The Viper Squad.
Relaxing for an hour in salt water tub at Floatworks.
Creating hand-made lights with the Light Wallah.
Dressing up in regency style for the Bridgerton Secret Cinema.
(I’ve got a whole list of over 30 - if you want them drop a comment below an I’ll email them to you)
But also make sure to keep a list of your own adventures.
It’ll be a great memory bank to reflect on together.
2) Be Present In the Moment
There’s nothing worse than spending time together, but never truly connecting while your mind dances elsewhere.
Each time it’s a missed opportunity to create connection.
So, try doing this at your next meal together:
Turn off your phone and put it in another room.
Ask them how they’re “actually doing” and listen.
Get curious about their new hobby, project or life update.
Sit at the table together rather than next to the TV.
Mention something you like about them.
Because the conversation is the relationship.
So, don’t let it slip into a monologue of routine.
3) Keep Things Interesting
At the start everything is exciting. You’re doing things together for the first time and getting to know new things about a whole new human being.
But, once the honeymoon comes to end, everything changes.
Instead of slipping into routine together, make a conscious effort spice things up as a way to explore new parts of one another.
Here are just a few ideas:
Try new hobbies together.
Get freaky in the bedroom together.
Learn and perform new skill together.
Read & discuss a book together.
Hit the gym together.
Don’t assume you’ve learnt everything about another person.
For when you think you know someone, put them in a new situation and you’ll find out a whole new person to explore.
So, keep curious, put the effort in and give to them your full self. Only then will create the environment in which love can grow.
The Summary
Let’s recap: To master love you need to bust the five myths, bring your full self and actually be with them.
There’s your 5 minutes, now take action:
📚 Recommended Book: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown - Brown gives you the specific words to understand the 87 emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human.
🎤 Recommended Talk: Our Conception of Love is Messed Up - oliSUNvia provides an excellent analysis of what is wrong with how we approach love as Gen Z and how to remedy it.
💎 Recommended Resource: A Couple Things To Do - Tips and tricks on how to tick off your couples bucket list, travel the world together and save some hard earned money along the way.
Excellently written and perfectly timed for me 😅
Another beauty charlie! 'Loved' it!