Planet Earth can be a scary place.
The terror of walking alone at night, finding a spider on your bedroom floor or getting a call from an unknown number is real.
Each situation can strangle your stomach into a bundle of knots tighter than the undergrowth of the Amazon rainforest.
The worries are well intentioned.
They are supposed to protect us from the dangers of surviving, looking after us better than any overprotective parent ever could.
But, it’s when perceived threats don’t resemble real threats that the tool of fear becomes the burden that slows our climb up the mountain of achievement, weighing on our choices without respite or remorse.
Each step forward creates shadows behind the decisions ahead of us, darkening their path until all that is left is indecision and doubt.
Overcoming misdirected worries means understanding the 4 fear responses:
Fight - your arms start swinging before you’ve had a chance to blink.
Flight - your legs kick into gear faster than Usain Bolt can say “Go”.
Freeze - your body paralyzes itself to be invisible from the threat.
Fawn - your words fall out of your mouth to please the aggressor.
Discover which response you default to when faced with a threat.
Only then can you find an ease with your body that will enable you to break through the barriers in your mind that are limiting your growth.
Now you’re aware of fear…
Here’s how you master bravery.
#1: Get out of your own way 🎭
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.” - Frank Herbert
Too often we conform to the desires of others.
We fear they’ll ridicule us for standing out from the crowd. So, we turn the spotlight on ourselves and ask:
“What if they comment on our new look?”
“What if they talk behind out backs?”
“What if they think it’s silly?”
But, in truth no-one actually cares.
They’re too caught up in their own lives.
Once you realise this, the light of life beings to shine around you, stripping off your mask and enabling you to stand out.
Here’s how you then get out of your own way:
1) Recognise your innate desires
Your mind tells you what you want.
But, hearing it amidst the noise of self-judgement, opinions and fear is like listening in to a conversation on the tube in rush hour.
Here’s how you give yourself the time & space to tune in:
Record voice notes - speak a life update into the microphone.
Reflect on your journal - find what matters from old diary entries.
Soundboard with a friend - have them ask what makes you truly happy.
When something is not quite right it’ll feel like a pebble in shoe.
To listen to what you truly want means stopping, taking off your shoe and shaking it until you find what’s been frustrating you beneath the surface.
2) Take off the mask of fitting in
Once you know what you want, take one step towards it.
Peel off the mask you’ve been wearing to fit in and reveal your true self that’s been hiding beneath all along.
To embrace your true self:
Say “no” often - get used to turning down things you don’t enjoy.
Own your reactions - control the controllables and let go of the rest.
Realise you’re not alone - other people share the feelings you have.
If those who surround you don’t accept the new you, then it’s time to ask yourself “Are these the people you really want around you?”
There’s only 8 billion more to find.
3) Focus on the journey, not the destination
Don’t obsess about the big event.
It’s never truly life or death.
Treat it as a learning experience instead. It’s simply a part of the larger journey of life that you’re on.
If you wait until you’re enough you’ll never start. The best time to embrace your desires was yesterday, the second best time is today.
Having the bravery to own who you truly are means letting go of the fallacy of arrival - that one day you’ll make it.
There never will be one day that changes everything.
It’s about the small, meaningful steps you make instead.
So, ask yourself “What’s one step I can take towards becoming the person I want to be in life?”.
Then execute on that.
#2: Embrace difficult challenges 🗻
“The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition.” - Ryan Holiday
Difficult challenges scare us into procrastination.
The path to the summit of overcoming them is clouded by the unknown of whether our ideas will actually turn into reality.
So, we soak up knowledge from books, podcasts and mentors instead, awaiting the day of perfect understanding that never comes.
Slaying our procrastination monster means consistently executing before you have all the answers and trusting yourself to figure it out later.
Here’s how you embrace challenges that scare you:
1) Reframe fear as excitement
The obstacle is the way.
If a new challenge scares you, it means there’s a huge growth opportunity waiting for you just around the corner of doubt.
Once you recognise your stomach starting to churn, take a step back and reframe the fear as excitement just being shy:
Label anxieties - recognise your worries and let them go.
Visualise success - ask yourself what a great result looks like.
Accept the outcome - do your best and then embrace the outcome.
Catch your fear before it consumes you.
Redefine why it exists and then use it to propel you toward the growth you want rather than to hold you back from it.
2) Optimise for the growth zone
To overcome challenges, you need to progress through the zones of success from initial comfort to growth.
You’ll know you’ve hit the growth zone when things start to click.
Progress will be obvious, goals will be set even higher and that insurmountable challenge that consumed you will now be behind you.
To stay in growth zone indefinitely:
Stay focused - only challenge yourself in 2-3 parts of your life at once.
Build feedback - find your way to measure tangible progress.
Revisit objectives - evaluate your next steps often.
Recognise that growth is exhausting.
To avoid overwhelming yourself, only take on new challenges once you’ve become fully comfortable with the previous ones.
At least get into the learning zone before casting your focus elsewhere.
3) Be at ease with the anxiety
Managing anxiety is like a muscle.
The more you flex your response to difficulty, the stronger your self-trust grows. With each new rep your resilience builds until the weight of the goals you once feared becomes your new normal.
Finding your ease means increasing your exposure.
Keep placing yourself in situations that scare you until your mind remembers that it no longer has anything to fear.
Only then will you master difficult challenges.
#3 Open Your Heart to Others 💘
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.” - Brené Brown
We’ve all been hurt before.
A friend has betrayed our trust, a lover has cheated on us and a stranger has overstepped their boundaries.
In response we’ve shut off our deepest connections to others, seeking to avoid the pain of betrayal by never fully giving our trust in the first place.
This approach works for weeks, months or even years.
But, over a lifetime we begin to realise that by not giving our trust to another person we’re in fact holding ourselves back from fully experiencing life.
To overcome the fear of betrayal means letting go of expectations.
Here’s how you open yourself to others:
1) Confront past relationships
To let go of the past you must confront it.
Reflect on which experience is holding you back from giving yourself fully to another person. Then fill in the gaps using the sentences below.
I’ve been pretending that…
When in fact…
The impact of that inauthentic way of being and acting is…
The whole time I’ve been being and acting this way, what’s been missing is any sense of…
Standing there, the possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of…
Once you’re clear on your answers, message the person you have in mind.
Set-up a 5-minute call, cover the small talk basics and then share with them the completed statements you’ve outlined above.
Do it for your sake, not theirs.
By calling out your own bullsh*t, you’ll let go of what meaning you’ve given to the experience and cathartic feeling of ease will overcome you.
This will work for friends, family and past lovers alike.
Give it a try - it only changed my life.
2) Be honest even when it’s hard
Honesty is always the best policy.
Sharing your worries, doubts and insecurities will create a bond that builds the connection you’ve been looking for.
But, not everyone is ready or willing to listen to the truth. So, make sure you handle it with care.
Here’s how to be honest without being mean:
Show you care - remind the recipient that you appreciate them.
Create the space - share the common objective of the conversation.
Take your time - pause and reflect before each response.
To be heard you need to listen.
Empathise with their worries, clearly communicate your thoughts and you’ll connect on a deeper level than you thought was possible.
3) Share what you struggle with
If everyone knows your secret, is it such a big deal anymore?
The more people you share your struggles with, the less meaning that experience will have over your life.
A problem shared truly is a problem halved.
By letting go of the big worry that’s been eating you up inside, you can fill the same space with a sense of calm.
Let go of the fear of judgement and realise people are willing to listen.
They each have their own challenges in life.
So, start that difficult conversation.
You’ll not only deal with your own past. You’ll also create the space to help others realise they’re not so alone.
And what could be better than that?
The Summary
Let’s recap: To master bravery you need to get out of your own way, embrace difficult challenges and open your heart to others.
There’s your 5 minute guide, now take action:
📚 Recommended Book: The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday - A great guide on how to use stoic advice to find an ease with facing your fears of adversity.
📑 Recommended Article: What Courageous Leaders Do Differently by James R. Detert - How to apply bravery to building a courageous leadership style that inspires action.
💎 Recommended Guide: How to be Brave by Margie Warrell - This Ted Talk gives provides a relatable, fresh take on bravery and how you can apply it to your own life.
Great article Charlie, I got confused by the numbering a bit though.
I have the Dune quote memorised since I first read it "I shall not fear..."
Great book. Terrible movie