Hey there fellow Apprentices,
This weekโs piece is co-authored with
, who (amongst many other things) is the author of a new Substack called in which she decodes the science behind slumps, and how you can master sustainable productivity and engage in candid discussions.We decided to combine our two different perspectives on the slump that can occur in maturing towards thirty to write a nuanced and compassionate take on how the pressures of life change for us all. After a number of iterations and different angles I believe the one weโve landed on is pretty damn awesome and totally worth 5 minutes of your time to read through.
But, then I would say thatโฆ The only way youโll find out if itโs true is by reading on by yourself. So, over to you.
To congratulate (or not)
As we mature, the conversation around babies becomes louder. Those off-hand remarks we used to make about who would be the first to have a baby suddenly have a hint of truth to them. The jokey comments parents make about becoming grandparents feel less like a joke and more like a request. And the question of whether you actually want children or not seems less like a decision for some day, but instead one for today.ย
If you arenโt sure whether youโve entered this phase of life, here is a mental role play exercise: imagine 5 of your closest friendsโฆ How many of them would you know to console or congratulate if they phoned you up to say theyโre having a baby?
Young, wild, free (and aware of the ticking clock)
Last week Katie curled up in bed to start her new book, The Panic Years by Nell Frizzell, thinking it was going to be a little bit like Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton.ย
Perhaps she should have relied on more than a TikTok sound and a skim of some recommendations to choose this as some light bedtime reading because a few chapters inโฆ she was panicking.ย
Nell Frizzell describes her experience of the Flux, โthe gap between adolescence and midlife, during which women lose that constructed artifice of control over their lives, confront their fertility and build themselves new identitiesโ. Nell Frizzellโs account of the flux gave Katie a glimpse into what a woman feels and experiences as her biological clock starts ticking louder and louder. The changes to her friendships, her romantic relationships, her career, her body and her identity as she navigates life with a decision that will drastically impact lifeโฆ will she have a baby? It is a big decision, one with no right or wrong answer but one that has an expiration date.ย
A biological reality
The decision whether to have a baby can be a driving force behind the anxiety of approaching thirty as a woman. At thirty, you are 5 years away from 35 when your fertility will begin to decline due to the number and quality of your eggs.
In this piece, we are exploring this issue through the lens of a woman who wants children. But there are also those out there who do not want them or are unsure if they do. Those women have their own relationship with this period of their lives, their own excitement, aspirations and fears. But as with women who want children, they have the same biological clock.ย
For the woman who wants a baby, there is the anxiety of โrunning out of timeโ; time to secure the promotion, meet the right guy and settle down. You might be thinking we have solved the issue of running out of time for women with egg freezing. Unfortunately, itโs not that simple.ย
Firstly, is the success rate of IVF which in 2019 was:ย
32% for women under 35
25% for women aged 35 to 37
19% for women aged 38 to 39ย
11% for women aged 40 to 42
5% for women aged 43 to 44
4% for women aged over 44
Then thereโs the cost. According to the Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority, the average cost of having your eggs collected and frozen is ยฃ3,350, with medication being an added ยฃ500-ยฃ1,500. Storage costs are extra and tend to be between ยฃ125 and ยฃ350 per year. Thawing eggs and transferring them to the womb costs an average of ยฃ2,500. So, the whole process for egg freezing and thawing costs an average of ยฃ7,000-ยฃ8,000.
Which leaves freezing, or even IVF in the case of non-heterosexual couples or those with fertility complications, as a choice reserved for the few who can afford it. For everyone else it can feel like a privilege they canโt even consider.
For some women they canโt extend their timeline. It might even be shorter because they have a history of early menopause in their family. Those women enter their thirties with a pressure to find the right man to settle down. This doesnโt tend to work well as an opening line on a dating app, so in order to not frighten off any potential men, women must internalise their fears. Surely with a male population in the billions, there is a man out there.ย
But where are all the good men?
The pressure for men in their late twenties is very different from women.
For many theyโve spent their whole early twenties being outcompeted by men older than themselves for women their own age. Leading them either down the constructive rabbit hole of self development or the destructive path of isolation and withdrawal.
By the time they start reaching thirty their decisions have started to compound. Those who have looked after their bodies, worked on their minds and built a successful career are now starting to reap the rewards of their hard work. Theyโve become the very men they were once outcompeted by and have suddenly seen their dating options drastically widen from the few to the many. Theyโre now noticed by women who once ignored them, are able to date down several years and are reluctant to give up their decades of effort to say โI doโ to a partner with whom they have a 41% chance of divorce (ONS). With so much weighing on one decision is it really any wonder these guys take their time browsing their options and playing the field before finally committing?
For the remainder who have neglected to work on themselves, inching closer to the big three-zero can feel like a drastically different experience. As Chris Williamson explains in his episode of a Diary of a CEO, women tend to date men with equal or higher income, social status and intelligence. With the upward social mobility of women into education, where American colleges and universities now enrol roughly six women for every four men (The Atlantic) the average man is actually starting to fall behind. Coupled with a lack of healthy male role models, see
and her great work here, and the fragility of masculinity, as described by Reeves in his book Of Men and Boys, the remaining men who fail to work on themselves will find it increasingly difficult to attract the women they want.ยNo right answer, just compassion
If one thing has become evident through co-authoring this piece together is that both men and women face anxieties and stresses as they mature. What is even clearer is that there is no quick fix or right answer to such an individual choice. But what we can do with this information is act with compassion.ย
Have compassion for the man who wants to be a father.
And for the woman who doesnโt ever want children.
Have compassion for the man who struggles to find a healthy role model.
And the woman who struggles to live up to unrealistic beauty standards.
Have compassion for the woman who has gone on 20 first dates, is watching her friends settle down and waiting to find her right guy.
And for the man who was ignored by every woman he approached, decided to work on himself and is now reluctant to settle down.
Every one of us will experience challenges as we mature; bad dates, heartbreaks and losses. We will also all experience moments of joy; amazing dates, laughter that wonโt stop, new love, new life and friendships. As weโre all navigating through the calm seas and shitstorms we call life, the least we can do is have some compassion for our fellow sailors.ย
Thank you for inviting me to co-author this piece with you, Charlie. It was a thought-provoking article to write and I hope it resonates with people