Small talk exists all around us.
It’s in the 10th description of today’s slightly higher than average rainfall, the 4th explanation of our trip to Glastonbury this weekend and the 7th re-telling of Harry Kane’s less than mediocre left-foot volley last Tuesday night.
Whizz, click… We murmur another response.
“Mhhmmm… Yes… That’s so interesting!” departs the air hole between our nose and chin, all while the baggage of our mind is shipped first class to the holiday in Tenerife we’re already living.
You don’t need to be an introvert to find these conversations draining.
They leave us feeling lonelier than a 7-day mindfulness retreat to the Himalayas with only ourselves for company.
“Wouldn’t life be a lot easier if we skipped the bullsh*t of small talk?”
Yes and No. The mindless chatter is a necessary evil. It builds trust with others through countless daily interactions that feel pointless right up until the moment they compound into a deeper, meaningful conversation.
However, this can take weeks, months or even years to realise.
So, the responsibility lies with us to play the game of pointless exchanges, while also consciously building rapport in search of what truly matters to every single one of us… That being connection.
With that in mind, here’s how you master conversation.
#1: Build Healthy Listening Habits 👂🏼
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” - Stephen R. Covey
The single most important skill in conversation is listening.
Without it, you’re blurting out every second thought to the whim of the person asking you all the question they desire.
Creating connection means getting the other person to speak.
Then sitting there quietly until you can repeat back to them exactly what they just told you in their own words.
Humans are born with 2 ears and 1 mouth.
So, use them in that quantity.
Here’s how you build healthy listening habits:
1) Master the Listening Wheel
Active listening is about more than just nodding and waiting patiently.
It’s about showing you’ve genuinely understood the person you’re directing your two ear drums towards. Use the listening wheel to actually tune in:
Open Questions - Ask How? What? Where? Who? Why?
Summarising - Playback what you’ve heard to them.
Reflecting - Repeat a word or phrase for them to expand on.
Clarifying - Ask more questions on important points.
Encouragement - Show you’re listening with “yes”, “go on”.
Reacting - Empathise by reacting with “that sounds very difficult”.
Take your conversation partner for a spin through each of the stages of the listening wheel. One by one as many times as is needed.
Eventually they’ll feel truly heard.
2) Be Interested, Not Interesting
Everyone loves to talk about themselves.
Give your conversation partner the gift of interesting questions that delve into the passions that get them out of bed in the morning.
This can be on nearly anything:
Hobbies - How do they spend their mornings, evenings and weekends?
Missions - How do they want to leave the world a better place?
Families - Who means the world to them?
Dreams - What one thing do they most want to achieve?
Beliefs - What do they believe is critical to human happiness?
Whatever they can’t help but smile while talking about.
Encourage them to tell you everything they know.
Then shut up and listen. They’ll feel more important than the president of the United States. All thanks to a few well placed questions.
And do you know who loves to learn more about you?
Those returning the favour of great conversation.
3) Be Present In The Conversation
Listening requires your full concentration.
If you give someone only half your attention, you only give them half a conversation. To create a connection means staying with the moment.
To be there with them:
Put your phone away - put it on silent and leave it out of sight.
Sit with their words - avoid crafting your reply while they speak.
Interject to ask questions - clarify when you don’t understand.
If you fail to concentrate, you fail to show you care.
Like there’s some other priority taking up your headspace that’s so much more important than the words they’re sharing with you.
Don’t be that person. Stay focused.
#2: Communicate Without Words ⭐
“The majority of individuals view their surroundings with a minimal amount of observational effort. They are unaware of the rich tapestry of details that surrounds them, such as the subtle movement of a person's hand or foot that might betray his thoughts or intentions.” - Joe Navarro
Conversation is more than just the words we use.
If your best friend has crossed arms, wandering eyes and a tone that varies less than the train announcer’s warnings to “mind the gap”, it wouldn’t take a communications expert to label them bored.
Humans are magnificently social creatures capable of spotting a bad vibe from a mile away. If y don’t believe me, take it from Joe Navarro instead.
To create the winning combination for connection you’re going to need to align your words with your way of acting.
Here’s how you master the non-verbals:
1) Shape Your Body Language
Just like a picture can paint a thousand words, a person’s body language can tell a thousand emotions.
Notice yourself next time you talk to someone.
Then make these small changes:
Mouth - Smile, even when you’re on a phone call.
Eyes - Look into their eyes when they’re talking to you.
Chest - Turn your chest to face theirs to show you’re focused on them.
Arms - Uncross them and open your body to conversation.
Hands - Take your hands out of your pockets and get them moving.
Give your words the weight they deserve by emphasising every point with the shape and direction of your body.
2) Control Your Confidence
Feeling the butterflies circling in your stomach, the dripping warmth of your clammy hands and the pulsing of your beating heart is normal.
Conversations can be daunting. Especially with the people we care about.
Be patient with it. Confidence will come from repeated exposure. But, to get you started here are some easy wins to implement:
Slow Down - Speak 25% slower to emphasise the points you make.
Embrace Silences - Own the pauses to give yourself time to reply.
Sit Up Straight - Avoid the slouching that reeks of disinterest.
Always remember a conversation is simply about two people who want to to communicate with one another.
It’s two brains dancing to the electrical signals of their neurons.
There’s no need to worry about it.
3) Work On The Little Things
First impressions matter.
We homo sapiens love simplicity. Drawing boxes around people and labelling them is how we make sense of our countless daily decisions.
To stand out you need to fall into the right side Venn diagram - here’s’ how:
Firm Handshake - Make an impression with your first physical contact.
Clothing Choice - Dress to impress in clothes that bring out your best.
Zoom Background - Add conversation starters to show your personality.
Don’t underestimate the impact of the little things.
They add up. Combine them together and they’ll make a world of difference to the first impression you give to those you meet.
#3: Create Fierce Conversations 👥
“Remember that what gets talked about and how it gets talked about determines what will happen. Or won't happen. And that we succeed or fail, gradually then suddenly, one conversation at a time.” - Susan Scott
There exists only three types of conversation:
Level 1: People - Gossip, Celebrities, Colleagues, Friends.
Level 2: Events - News, Weekend Plans, Moments.
Level 3: Ideas - Dreams, Emotions, Solutions.
With the first you live through the stories of others, with the second you live in the past or future and with the third you live in the moment.
Conversations that create connections are those grounded in the moment.
Where you truly listen to each other talk about what often goes unsaid.
Here’s how you get on level of ideas:
1) Navigate Small Talk
You’ll need the small talk.
It will be the lubricant that turns the gear of connection to keep the cogs of conversation flowing towards an engaging experience for everyone.
To really stand out, you need to do research:
Check their LinkedIn - Find a post or experience to ask them about.
Scroll your messages - Refer back to the conversation you already had.
Mention a mutual - Explain how you know a common connection.
Answer in depth - Give “How’s it going?” a real vulnerable answer.
Break the monotony of their daily conversation.
And create the opening to get to what truly matters.
2) Open The Space
To transition from the dull to the meaningful means creating the space for your conversation partner to feel comfortable with you.
No-ones going to tell you how they actually feel if they don’t feel safe.
Aim to build trust quickly with both strangers and lovers alike. Here are a few of the countless options:
Be vulnerable first - Share a story about when you really struggled.
Give them a free pass - “Tell me to f*ck off if you want, but…”
Find time for a one to one - Avoid the group settings.
Create the space to ask what matters.
You’ll stand out far above every other conversation that day.
And create the opening to get to what truly matters
But, that doesn’t mean
Do Your Research -
Ace Your Introduction -
Get Interesting Fast -
2) Open The Space
Be Vulnerable First - Share an emotional experience of yours.
Give A Free Pass - “Tell me to f*ck off if you want, but…”
3) Build Meaningful Experiences
Be Curious to Learn - Don’t assume you know how they’ll respond.
Share Your Feelings - Say what is stabbing you in the gut.
Take Responsibility - Own the effects of the words you choose.
#3: Create Fierce Conversations
People, Events, Ideas
Navigate Small Talk
Do Your Research -
Ace Your Introduction -
Get Interesting Fast -
Open The Space
Be Vulnerable First - Share an emotional experience of yours.
Give A Free Pass - “Tell me to f*ck off if you want, but…”
Build Meaningful Experiences
Be Curious to Learn - Don’t assume you know how they’ll respond.
Share Your Feelings - Say what is stabbing you in the gut.
Take Responsibility - Own the effects of the words you choose.
Resources:
Book - Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott
Activity - Joining Nightline or Samaritans
Great piece, Charlie! 2 ears 1 mouth is such a good reminder :)
This came at the perfect time. Right when I'm working on improving my social skill.